|
|
 |
|
|
|
| Browse questions and answers on topics that are hot right now. |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
 |
| How Relationships Matter |
|
|
How you tell the important people in your life that you have decided to have elective cosmetic surgery will be determined in great part by your relationship and past history with them, observes psychotherapist Carol Kindschi. "There are some people in your life with whom you needn't even discuss some issues at all," she says. "However, when a decision has obvious, external consequences such as changing facial features, the need to have proactive discussions becomes more important."
"If you have done your self-homework and are clear about your decision and your intent, the rest will follow much more easily. First, be clear with yourself what YOUR truth is, then no one will be able to hit a sensitive nerve with their comments or questions," she counsels.
"Be direct when you tell them, and, if appropriate, give them something they can do (e.g. "Be part of my home team while I'm recovering at home" or "Take care of my pets for the day). People generally want to be needed and to make a contribution."
"Once people are included, there's less chance that they'll give you unsolicited advice, approval or disapproval," Kindschi says.
Let them know that it is a decision you have considered at length and that you want them to be part of your celebration as you express on the outside what is an internal truth for you. If they choose not to, for whatever reason, you can thank them for being true to themselves and for sharing that with you. Their response is not a rejection of you, nor are they being disloyal. In no way does that reflect on you or your decision and you can continue your relationship with them, holding different views out of mutual respect.
As you prepare to tell others, check in with yourself first. If you find you are feeling angry or apprehensive BEFORE you even approach Aunt Agatha, who ALWAYS has something judgmental to say about what you do even when you don't ask, chances are that you need to spend more time getting clear for yourself what your internal self wants. That way Aunt Agatha's comments will have much less charge for you even if you are daring to reshape the family nose. You can then more easily give her the information without being dependent upon her response.
"It may be helpful to make a list of the people in your life you want to tell before the surgery," advises kindschi. Here is how she suggests you might categorize them:
The Wise Inner Circle: These are the people you can count on to support you no matter what. They may well have been the people with whom you talked while you were making the decision about the surgery. With them, the discussion will come easily, and you can go into as much detail as you or they want. It will flow.
The Judges: These are the folks on whom you may spend the most energy trying to please, avoid, or work around. While it may take the most effort, there also is a great opportunity to reshape your relationship with them, and to set the stage for better interactions in the future. Be clear with yourself first. Then be direct with them that you have made the decision and are including them by letting them know. You are not asking for their opinion or approval but would welcome their support. The clearer you can be with yourself, the more direct you can be with them, and the less room there is for past patterns to creep in to the interaction. When people judge others, it is usually about their own unresolved issues. Compassion can go a long way to change this dynamic. If you stay focused on your intent, you needn't worry about their judgment. In this way, you can model a new way of being and being together, setting the foundation for a new template of interaction.
The Children or Simple Folk: These folks need to know what you're going to do, but they need very little detail. You can tell them that you are having some changes made to your looks. You will look different but you will be the same person to them. The important thing is that you will be okay. Make it simple and straightforward without much detail.
Those Who Don't Want To Know What They Need to Know: You may have someone in your life who lives their life out of "I don't want to know" and avoids information or lacks awareness, particularly of painful or unpleasant issues. Begin by being matter-of-fact and open about yourself and what you will be doing, letting them know that you wanted them to know. Keep it simple, and have no expectations.
| |
|
|
